Scammers use these 4 stages to manipulate victims, expert says

Scammers can be convincing in getting people to give away personal information and at times, even their money. Last month, a Fuquay-Varina man who lost more than $750,000 to a scam shared his story. And a romance fraud expert says, like many, his exploitation was textbook psychological manipulation.

Not only are victims out of their money, but often are embarrassed and heartbroken after believing they had a genuine connection with the person who took advantage of their vulnerability. A woman who now teaches others what four stages to look for was also the victim of a scam, and she believes no matter the scam, the stages are the same.

"I can do a support group where I have victims from right across that spectrum, and we all get each other, because we've all been through the same manipulation, basically," said Anna Rowe.

Rowe runs the LoveSaid fraud center in the U.K. and operates Catch the Catfish, sharing stories and advice to support victims of fraud.

In speaking with WRAL, Rowe said that it is very common in pig-butchering scams for victims to get a call out of the blue. Marley's experience started exactly that way, with a woman calling him in what he thought was a wrong number.

"I mean, and then started sharing pictures, you know, her kids, supposedly, if it was her kid and her parents. And you know, it went on, talking about, you know, different relationships and goals, and what she was doing. And then it took like six months before it ever got to the crypto part," he said.

After speaking everyday during that time, and even Facetiming with the person he believe he befriended, Marley lost more than $750,000 in an elaborate crypto investment scam.

Marley is still waiting to hear whether he’ll see any of the money back. Because he quickly reported his losses to the FBI, federal investigators have told him he could get a partial refund. But it has been more than a year, and he still doesn't know if or when that refund will come. Report and learn more about how to report a romance scam to federal investigators.

The manipulators are trained to get to know you and see whether you will help them or do what they want, in a very small way, like a favor or asking if they can call you again, Rowe said. It is an often undetectable request that lets them know they can manipulate you.

Often, she said, the groups will use stock photos of attractive men and women to create fake profiles to trick multiple victims. 

The stages are: Grooming, familiarity and mirroring, love-bombing and finally, trauma bonding to create a sense of urgency.

At Stage 1, Rowe said the scammer gets to know you. Adult grooming is exploiting a need for connection, she said. Oftentimes the victims have recently lost someone, have gone through a life event and feel lonely or isolated, she said.

"Once they've got that foot in the door and they've realized you're someone that they're going to be able to manipulate, that's when that love-bombing starts. So they've done the grooming, they've started to do what's called familiarity and mirroring, (Stage 2) where they've drawn information out of you. Because psychology will tell us that when we have someone that is similar to us, and they will always portray themselves as having the same values, ethics, morals, similar situations," she said.

With trust established comes Stage 3 which Rowe calls love-bombing. That's when most victims experience an uptick in affection and even gifts like flowers.

"And it works that after the love-bombing, they then do something that makes you fear that something is wrong. So they will vanish. And you've got no idea what's going on," Rowe said.

She shared that when it happened to her, her manipulator was unreachable for a weekend. She wondered if he'd been in an accident or if she had said or done something wrong. The intentional absence introduces self-doubt and a desire for the relationship to continue, she said.

Once victims fear losing a connection, the manipulator introduces Step 4, a sense of urgency to extract money. Rowe described multiple scenarios where the manipulator appears to give the victim the trust to sign into what is, of course, a fake bank account. Then blames them for money inexplicably lost and asks them to front some funds until they can figure things out with the bank. The full manipulation can go on for months even years, until your trust, like Marley's, is exploited.

"You know, I could have gotten depressed, I could have committed suicide, could have done anything, but you know, you just got to move on and hope it don't happen to somebody else," Marley said.

In his case, the woman got him to invest a small amount and he saw those returns keep hitting his account until she vanished with the majority of his retirement.

If you believe someone you know could be a potential victim of a romance scam, Rowe suggests a thoughtful approach without challenging their understanding of their relationship. Instead she says, get there first and find a way to prove the relationship is not legitimate.

"If you want them to know that you're going to be there afterwards, you want to stay neutral. The way that we can help, and sometimes it can be instant, if you can find the photographs of the person that's being used. And you show them where that real profile is, along with one of the posts off my website that says all the excuses they're going to come up with when you show them that real profile," she said.

Those excuses will be something the manipulator gave them, preparing for the relationship to be questioned, she said. Presenting facts and not judging the relationship can reach victims.

"Now, sometimes that's enough, but if they're really deep into it, it's not going to work, they will make an excuse to themselves of why that's okay. So, the next best thing we can do is to just plant seeds of doubt. It takes longer, but at the other end of it, the trauma is lessened by them being able to start understanding that for themselves rather than being pulled, screaming and dragging and being shouted at," Rowe said.

She suggests that concerned friends and family remember that the victim is in a psychological manipulation and to be kind and understanding of what they believe is a reality.

Investigators said that as soon as someone realizes they're a victim of fraud, they should report it on the FBI's website.